Some Communication Strategies

The first word of advice is “listen first.” Listen to children with respect, as you would do with a dear friend. When your child is speaking, show genuine interest and be curious. You can show interest by making a supportive comment like, “That’s interesting… Tell me more.” When we give children the precious gift of listening, we are letting them know that we care and that we are interested in what they have to say. Listening first, then, is the foundation, so that, when we are the ones doing the talking, children listen to us.

From the speaker’s perspective, some communication strategies that we can use are:

  • Assume that what you want is true. If you talk and act as if what you want is true, your child will believe you. When we assume something, we are sending the message that the child already wants to do what we are asking, for example, asking, “Do you want carrots or celery?” assumes that the child wants and will eat one of these two vegetables.
  • Use positive directions. Negative directions tell children what not to do, for example, “Don’t make noises” or “Don’t hit your little brother.” On the other hand, positive directions tell children what they need to do to comply. Always describe what you want in positive terms, for example, say, “Talk in a quiet voice” rather than “Stop shouting.”
  • Point out an acceptable alternative. Positive directions guide the child towards a more appropriate behavior. For example, “When you hit your little brother, you will have to go to time-out. Try hitting this pillow when you are angry.” When we point out an acceptable behavior, the child will be more likely to change the inappropriate behavior because he knows what he should do in addition to what not to do.
  • Give choices to the child. Try to give the child some freedom of choice, e.g., “Either play quietly or go upstairs to play.”

 

Related reading…

The Heart of Disciplining: Understanding and Delivering Feedback, Criticism, and Corrections that Teach Positive Behavior, an innovative language-based approach to child discipline, fully elaborates on three essential corrective acts: giving feedback, criticizing children, and correcting and redirecting behavior. Readers learn how to transform “flat” or adversarial language into enhanced communication that persuades and inspires children to be the best that they can be. Just look at this amazing content!

Contents

Introduction

So, What is Discipline?

Setting the Parameters for Language-Based Discipline

Section 1: Feedback

Kinds of Feedback

Guidelines for Giving Corrective Feedback

Observable Behavior

Have a Goal

Make Sure the Goal is Specific

Make Sure the Goal is Realistic

Match Behavior with Goal

Match Praise with Goal

Engage Your Child in the Creation of Goals

Focus on Strengths

Communicate Positive Expectations

Make a Specific Recommendation for Change

Structure Your Feedback

Do Not Overload Your Child with Too Much Information

Begin on a Positive Note

Make Feedback Relevant to Your Child

Own Your Feedback

Clearly Distinguish Between Intention and Effect

Attribute a Positive Intention

Separate Behavior from Character

Focus on Effort and Progress

Focus Your Child on Strategic Effort

Provide Alternative Strategies

Speak the Language of Strategies

Give Feedback about Processes and Procedures

Build Motivation

Ask Questions

Teach Self-Reference Feedback

Keep 5: 1: 0 Ratios

Section 2: Criticizing Your Child

Kinds of Criticism

Guidelines for Criticizing Children

State Only Observations

Watch Out for Manners

Have a Message

Collect the Facts

Show Concern

Reference Actions, Not Abilities

Keep Your Strong Feelings Under Control

Minimize Errors and Mistakes

Be Specific

Tolerate Negative Behavior

Give Supportive Examples

Explain the Purpose of Criticism

Teach Relative Reasoning

Become a Coach

Train Your Child in Self-Criticism

Link Your Criticism with Praise

Review Daily

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say: Hidden Criticism

Section 3: Correcting and Redirecting Behavior

Guidelines for Correcting Behavior

Have Clear Behavior Expectations

Give Unconditional Acceptance

Avoid You-Messages

Separate Child from Behavior

Externalize the Behavior

Help Your Child Fix the Mistake

Show Concern

Remain Calm

Do Not Dwell on the Past

Stay Close

Avoid Global Statements

Start with Something Positive

Give Positive Directions

Give Your Child a Substitute Behavior

Make the New Behavior Relevant

Give Choices

Presuppose that Your Child is Going to Comply

Use Presuppositions of Change

Avoid Questions

Change “No” to “Yes, After…”

Replace “Why” with “What”

Give Examples

Focus Your Child in Fixing the Problem

Focus in Prevention

Use the Boomerang Technique

Teach Social Problem Solving

Remind Your Child of Positive Behavior

Train Your Child in Self-Assessment

Do Not Sugarcoat the Problem

Use Schaefer’s Six-Step Procedure

Giving Warnings

Some Pointers for Giving Warnings

Requests or Commands?

When Refusing Is Not an Option: Mastering the Alpha Command

Guidelines for Giving Alpha Commands

Using Precorrection

Correcting a Child Already Angry and Defiant

 

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