Encouraging Children

Our encouraging words should aim at building children’s self-confidence. Children need to understand that it is okay to make mistakes; trial and error are part of the learning process, and that is how we all master new and challenging skills. Teachers and parents can encourage children to remain optimistic and positive in their ability to learn new skills or to improve current skills. When the child makes a mistake, simply shifting his/her focus from failure (problem-oriented) to hopefulness (solution-oriented) can do wonders in improving the child’s attitude and self-confidence. We can help children see academic errors and mistakes as both external to them ―not as a personality trait that defines who they are― and controllable, that is, something that the child can improve through effort and using learning or coping strategies. We help children focus on effort when we consistently notice and appreciate the child’s effort.

Teachers and parents also encourage children when we help them move their focus away from causes (why the problem is happening) and toward goals, or where they are headed (that is, what they want, and how they can get what they want). Our encouraging role resembles the role of a sports coach, with few or no criticism and plenty of support. Like a sports coach, we identify and build on the child’s strengths (e.g. good sense of humor, good with numbers, organized, good memory), helping the child identify how his /her strengths can help in acquiring a particular skill or reaching a particular goal. Examples of encouraging words that focus on the child’s effort are:

  • That’s a great effort. Don’t worry about the small mistake.
  • Keep trying. I know you can work this frustrating problem out.
  • I know you will figure out a good way to do this next time.
  • Keep at it; I know you will figure this out. Do you want my help?
  • It's okay to make mistakes, we all do. What do you think you learned from it?

 

Related reading…

The Heart of Disciplining: Understanding and Delivering Feedback, Criticism, and Corrections that Teach Positive Behavior, an innovative language-based approach to child discipline, fully elaborates on three essential corrective acts: giving feedback, criticizing children, and correcting and redirecting behavior. Readers learn how to transform “flat” or adversarial language into enhanced communication that persuades and inspires children to be the best that they can be. Look at this amazing content!

Contents

Introduction

So, What is Discipline?

Setting the Parameters for Language-Based Discipline

Section 1: Feedback

Kinds of Feedback

Guidelines for Giving Corrective Feedback

Observable Behavior

Have a Goal

Make Sure the Goal is Specific

Make Sure the Goal is Realistic

Match Behavior with Goal

Match Praise with Goal

Engage Your Child in the Creation of Goals

Focus on Strengths

Communicate Positive Expectations

Make a Specific Recommendation for Change

Structure Your Feedback

Do Not Overload Your Child with Too Much Information

Begin on a Positive Note

Make Feedback Relevant to Your Child

Own Your Feedback

Clearly Distinguish Between Intention and Effect

Attribute a Positive Intention

Separate Behavior from Character

Focus on Effort and Progress

Focus Your Child on Strategic Effort

Provide Alternative Strategies

Speak the Language of Strategies

Give Feedback about Processes and Procedures

Build Motivation

Ask Questions

Teach Self-Reference Feedback

Keep 5: 1: 0 Ratios

Section 2: Criticizing Your Child

Kinds of Criticism

Guidelines for Criticizing Children

State Only Observations

Watch Out for Manners

Have a Message

Collect the Facts

Show Concern

Reference Actions, Not Abilities

Keep Your Strong Feelings Under Control

Minimize Errors and Mistakes

Be Specific

Tolerate Negative Behavior

Give Supportive Examples

Explain the Purpose of Criticism

Teach Relative Reasoning

Become a Coach

Train Your Child in Self-Criticism

Link Your Criticism with Praise

Review Daily

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say: Hidden Criticism

Section 3: Correcting and Redirecting Behavior

Guidelines for Correcting Behavior

Have Clear Behavior Expectations

Give Unconditional Acceptance

Avoid You-Messages

Separate Child from Behavior

Externalize the Behavior

Help Your Child Fix the Mistake

Show Concern

Remain Calm

Do Not Dwell on the Past

Stay Close

Avoid Global Statements

Start with Something Positive

Give Positive Directions

Give Your Child a Substitute Behavior

Make the New Behavior Relevant

Give Choices

Presuppose that Your Child is Going to Comply

Use Presuppositions of Change

Avoid Questions

Change “No” to “Yes, After…”

Replace “Why” with “What”

Give Examples

Focus Your Child in Fixing the Problem

Focus in Prevention

Use the Boomerang Technique

Teach Social Problem Solving

Remind Your Child of Positive Behavior

Train Your Child in Self-Assessment

Do Not Sugarcoat the Problem

Use Schaefer’s Six-Step Procedure

Giving Warnings

Some Pointers for Giving Warnings

Requests or Commands?

When Refusing Is Not an Option: Mastering the Alpha Command

Guidelines for Giving Alpha Commands

Using Precorrection

Correcting a Child Already Angry and Defiant

 

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For the printed edition (paperback), click here: GO TO PAPERBACK

 


 

 

 

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