Guidelines for Criticizing Children
This is an excerpt from my book All Behavior is Communication: How to Give Feedback, Criticism, and Corrections that Improve Behavior. This book is now available on Amazon.
1.
As
a rule, teachers and parents should criticize only problems that the child can
solve. Criticism is a tool to make children aware of something that they did
poorly.
2.
When
criticizing children, use more observations,
that is, what you see, hear, or can touch and make fewer evaluations. An evaluation
involves making inferences about the things that we observe.
3.
Use
more observation language, that is,
concrete information that contributes to the child’s learning, and less
evaluative language of the kind good/bad, right/wrong, or correct/incorrect.
4.
When
we criticize a student, we need to make sure that we are criticizing the
child’s actions, not the child’s character. Examples of criticizing children’s
character are:
·
You
better start acting like a ten years old.
·
You
have a potty mouth.
·
You
show no respect for anyone!
5.
Criticizing
the child’s character sends the message to the student that the deficit in the
skill or behavior is permanent and/or global, and it is not going to change.
6.
Messages
that criticize character are “you” messages, for example, “You have a potty mouth!” or “You
are always messing up.” When there is a strong feeling, deliver the feeling
using an “I” message instead. An “I” message describes what we are feeling and
the reason for this feeling. For example, rather than saying, “Don’t you dare
using that language with me!” say, “I am upset because I do not like being
cursed.” “I” messages always start with “I feel…” “I like…” or “I do not like…”
7.
When
we are handling a strong feeling, it is important to identify both the
unacceptable behavior (e.g., “That language is inappropriate”) and our feelings
about the behavior (“I feel like leaving the room when I hear that language”).
Finally, we can point out an acceptable
alternative, for example, “When you talk without cursing, I will listen to
what you have to say.”
8.
Express
disapproval for the inappropriate behavior by stating the effect of the
behavior on you and/or others; then point out your feelings about the behavior.
For example, you would say, “Nicky, when you call names, other children in the
classroom feel embarrassed and I feel annoyed.”
9.
Show
concern for the inappropriate behavior rather than showing anger. Then, add a
statement about how the inappropriate
behavior is affecting the child. For example, say, “What concerns me the
most about this name-calling behavior is that, because they feel angry, the other
kids are refusing to play with you; when no one plays with you, you are going
to feel very lonely.”
10. Minimize the child’s errors and
mistakes. Use effort feedback and
help the child focus on effort or trying rather than outcomes (success or
failure). Remind the child that “Tomorrow is another day to try.”
Related Reading...
Related Reading...
All Behavior is Communication: How to Give Feedback, Criticism, and Corrections that Improve Behavior
To preview this book on Amazon, click here.
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