Ø Words: certainly,
only, merely, naturally, now, later, sure, just, still, again, slightly,
lately, seriously, and supposedly.
Ø Phrases:
of course, come on, I’m sure, and I guess.
Some examples
of metamessages developed through a verbal modifier follow. The verbal modifiers
are in italics.
·
Cheer
up! It’s only her opinion.
Metamessage: You are taking her opinion too
seriously.
·
Are
you still working on that problem?
Metamessage: You are taking too much time on one
problem.
·
I
was just saying…
Metamessage: Calm down! You cannot take my point
of view.
·
You
certainly are funny today.
Metamessage: I’m not comfortable with your jokes.
·
Here
you go again!
Metamessages: What you are doing, you do it
repeatedly and what you do
repeatedly annoys me.
·
You
are telling me the truth, I guess.
Metamessage: I doubt that you are telling me the
truth.
·
Come on, guys, stop talking!
Metamessage: Chill out, guys! I’m annoyed with
your talking.
·
You
tried your best, I’m sure.
Metamessage: I’m not sure that you tried your
best.
·
You
were minding your own business, of course.
Metamessage: I doubt that you were minding your
own business.
·
You
were minding your own business… seriously?
Metamessage: I strongly doubt that you were minding your own business.
·
Now, what do you need?
Metamessages: You ask for too much and I’m running out of patience.
·
Supposedly, you want to settle this issue with
Gregory.
Metamessage: Are you sure that you want to
settle this issue?
·
Naturally, you had to start trouble!
Metamessages:
Starting trouble is what you do, and
starting trouble is a part of you or your identity.
On the
surface, a statement sounds harmless but underneath there may be a metamessage
blaming and/or shaming the student. The biggest offender in finding fault in
children is the “there must be something
wrong with you” metamessage. Let’s review some of the examples above, this
time, with “there must be something wrong with you” included:
·
There must be something
wrong with you if you take her opinion so seriously.
·
There must be
something wrong with you if you need so much time for just one problem.
·
There must
be something wrong with you if you cannot take my point of view.
·
There must be something wrong with your jokes if they make me feel
uncomfortable.
·
There must be something wrong with
you if you keep
repeating this particular behavior.
·
There must be something wrong with
you guys if you are
still talking.
·
There must be something wrong with
you if you do not
try your best.
·
There must be something wrong with
you if you ask so
much.
·
There must be something wrong with
you if you don’t
want to settle this issue.
·
There must be something wrong with
you if you have to
start trouble.
·
There must be something wrong with
you if you repeatedly have to start trouble.
If teachers are not careful, our metamessages
may be feeding feelings of inefficacy and self-doubt in students. Knowledge of
metamessages is a basic interpersonal
communication skill to build a
positive and constructive classroom atmosphere, with students that are engaged
and motivated.
Reference:
McKay, M.,
Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages:
The Communication Skills Book.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Related Readings:
The Messages We Send to Children in the Words We Say- Part 1: Presuppositions
To read this blog post, click here.
All Behavior is Communication: How to Give Feedback, Criticism, and Corrections that Improve Behavior
To preview this book on Amazon, click here.
Essentials of Emotional Communication for Reaching the Unreachable Student- Where Do I Start? What Do I Say? How Do I Do It?
To preview this book on Amazon, click here.
The Messages We Send to Children in the Words We Say- Part 1: Presuppositions
To read this blog post, click here.
All Behavior is Communication: How to Give Feedback, Criticism, and Corrections that Improve Behavior
To preview this book on Amazon, click here.
Essentials of Emotional Communication for Reaching the Unreachable Student- Where Do I Start? What Do I Say? How Do I Do It?
To preview this book on Amazon, click here.
